Tuesday, November 20, 2018

How To Handle 'The Relatives,' At Thanksgiving


Are you excited?

Thanksgiving is coming and with it lots of feasting, festivities...and...family.

But have you noticed:  family is a mixed blessing.  Sure, there is cuddly, warm, gracious Grandma Sadie.  

But there is also, smelly, rude, obnoxious, Uncle Joe.

Recently, Jenny Shively, an experienced, savvy, pre-school educator advised parents: don't make your kids hug Uncle Joe:
As the holidays approach, PLEASE don’t MAKE your kids hug their relatives. Don’t you remember being made to hug creepy Uncle Joe when you were a kid?...and you were like ummmm, I really don’t want to but....um...oh well...OK.....ugghhhh....Don’t put your kids through that—they can have good manners and say goodbye, give a fist bump or a high five-or nothing at all. Let their actions match their own emotions—it’s one step in the right direction of kids owning their bodies! And if the adults are disappointed, well, that’s on them.  [Disclaimer: I never had an Uncle Joe, and my apologies to any really super uncles out there who are indeed named Joe!]  https://www.facebook.com/jenny.shively.1
Jenny's counsel is wise -- but -- jarring for some. I mean, as Christ followers, aren't we supposed to love and embrace everyone -- even Uncle Joe?

Love, yes.  Embrace, not necessarily.

Though it is seldom acknowledged, Jesus did not pedestal biological family as supreme.  Only family, in and through Him, is supreme.  As Charles Moore has observed:
"...Jesus dethroned the biological family. While he never denied the family’s worth as a creation of God, he made clear that its importance is not absolute; it is not the primary means by which God’s grace is transmitted to this broken world. Something else is.
Jesus calls his disciples to give their allegiance first and foremost to him. Those who forsake human security, including their families, will receive “a hundredfold now in this age – houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields, with persecutions – and in the age to come eternal life” (Mark 10:29–31). 
In calling into question the primacy of the family, Jesus asks us to imagine a different social order, an all-encompassing community based not on natural ties but on discipleship. Jesus came to establish the new family of God, a family of disciples who follow him with the entirety of their lives (Matt. 10:34–37)..."  https://www.plough.com/en/topics/community/education/jesus-surprising-family-values
And so, this Thanksgiving, we are to value family, but not enthrone family.  Sure, as Jenny Shively clarified, we're to be civil and have good manners.  But civility and manners are not synonymous with embrace.

Including, an embrace, of Uncle Joe.  Well, then, what do you do with Uncle Joe?

A few Thanksgiving Tips, not only for 'handling' Uncle Joe, but other family-challenges, at Thanksgiving time, or any other holiday time.

Thanksgiving Tip #1 - Remember:  There Is No Such Thing As The Perfect Holiday Event. 


A lot of us think Norman Rockwell, as in Norman Rockwell painting, when we think Thanksgiving or any other holiday.  You know, a wonderful, harmonious, 'perfect' gathering of the clan.  But there is no perfect gathering of any clan.

Not even, Norman Rockwell.  Why even Norman had his problems!  According to his son Peter:
"...life [for the Rockwell family] was not as idyllic as it seemed. Rockwell was a workaholic, painting seven days a week and leaving family and financial management to his wife. In 1951, she suffered a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized near Stockbridge, Mass. She never fully recovered.
"My father was the sort of artist who expected someone else to do everything but the art," his son said. "So my father had to change his ways, which he did, and get his situation in order.  "But it was difficult to deal with the notion that he could not have 'a Norman Rockwell family.' One of the things that was a problem for our family was that my father had a very regular, very correct view of what a family should be. My father was in some sense infected by his own vision and his paintings." http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPcap/1999-11/21/034r-112199-idx.html
We are too, but family is always a mixed bag.

Even Jesus' family.  Why his family lineage itemized in Matthew 1 has laudable folk like Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  But also unlaudable folk -- folk like Rahab the prostitute (Matthew 1:5); David the adulterer (Matthew 1:6), and Ahaz the wicked, pagan king (Matthew 1:9).   But Jesus reckoned with his family – and so must we.   

That’s why I often commend, Craig Barnes’ concept of ‘the good enough life.’  “You don’t have the perfect home, the perfect job, or the perfect body.” Craig reminds us.  
“But it is probably good enough. Life only comes with scratches and cracks.  That [reality] can…preoccupy you with improvement plans -- or it can be… [an] opportunity to give thanks to God who insists on loving us -- only by grace…”   
So what’s preoccupying you…driving you?  A perfect Thanksgiving, or ‘a good enough’ Thanksgiving?  A perfect family or ‘a good enough’ family?   Happiness never comes at holidays, until we receive and give…grace at holidays.


Thanksgiving Tip #2 --  Don't Take Comments Personally, Rather View Persons Objectively -- Even, Compassionately


At some point, on some holiday, someone will probably say something on that will grate you and really get 'under your skin.'  

But resist the temptation to get back and bitter. Instead, give your difficult relation the 'benefit of the doubt,' concluding: the dig, the slight, the barbed comment, really says more about them, than you.

To be specific: that your relation is probably in pain, and hurting people hurt other people.

Now please don't miss understand:  such a conclusion doesn't excuse the hurtful behavior.  It just clarifies the source of the behavior.   

And the source is not you -- but some traumatic life event, person or issue -- in the hurt-full relative's life experience.

The best single-sentence-counsel I've found outside the Bible, are Ian McLaren's words:  "...Be Kind; Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.

So, yes, don't excuse, rationalize or placate a word-missile projected from a difficult family member. But also, don't take it personally.  Rather, 'consider the source' and the pain that, undoubtedly, is stabbing that loved one's life. 

But you might need to distance yourself, at some point, in the process.  Translated:  you might need to walk away -- or hide away -- for a while.  In fact, one writer advises, during holiday, family events:  “Use The Bathroom As A Sanctuary, As Needed.”  In other words:  when you’ve reached your limit with a particular family member, just excuse yourself to the bathroom, until you regain your composure.   Now persons might wonder why you’re in there so long, but it sure beats getting upset or in a fight!

Well, in any event, find some sanctuary.  And, if needed, exit early.  Remember:  there’s no law that states you’ve got to stay for the entire family function or party.

Thanksgiving Tip #3 -  Face: There's A Cost To 'Facing' Family, But The Required Sacrifice, Results, In Blessing 


Sure, as Jesus advises: family is not supreme.  But Jesus, and scripture, over all, affirms:  family is nevertheless a gift, in spite of its imperfections.  

Thus, we honor, e.g., respect and value,  our mother and father (Deuteronomy 5:16)  and other expressions of our family system, in spite of their exasperating characteristics.   

As inferred: honor, respect, value of family does not mean embracing all aspects of family.  But it does mean accenting the 'good' of family -- nevertheless -- resisting the temptation to divorce ourselves from family because of it's challenging, even insulting elements.  

The best family system theory is Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST).  And BFST is clear, as Issac Butterworth points out:
"...While the separation from parents, spouse, siblings, or colleagues may be a relief at first, the cutoff eventually leads to increased anxiety, which leads to symptoms, which may not be recognized in relation to the cutoff..." http://www.isaacbutterworth.com/emotional-cutoff-in-bowen-theory/
In other words:  you can try to 'stuff' [e.g. divorce yourself from it] your angst about family -- but it will 'pop-up' somewhere, sometime, as unresolved pain and anxiety.  As Bessel van der Kolk M.Dnotes in the book:  The Body Keeps Score:
“As long as you...suppress information [e.g. stuff it, divorce yourself from it], you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.”
So, take long bathroom breaks -- limited your time at the holiday dinner, event or social -- but don't boycott the holiday dinner, event or social.

Face your family -- realizing there is no perfect family -- even Norman Rockwell's family -- giving thanks for 'what you have' in family - 'warts and all.'

Now, that will take some swallowing of pride, some sacrifice, but sacrifice is a vital sub-theme of this holiday season, especially, Thanksgiving.  As Pat Bailey has noted, look at the Thanksgiving table: the only reason we have bread is because ‘the wheat sacrificed,’ allowing its heart to be ground, on the wheel of the mill.  The only reason we have cream is because ‘the milk sacrificed,’ allowing its best to be beaten and churned.  And the only reason we have meat is because ‘the turkey or hog sacrificed,’ giving their all to be the main course at the feast.

What’s the main course at your feast?  Your willful instance on family perfection -- or -- your sheer thankfulness, for family -- period!  

As the story goes, two women were ‘belly-aching’ on the subway about the cost of raising kids. “Why first, it was the cost of a nursery. Then, it was the cost of music lessons.  Then, it was the cost of clothes.  Then, it was the cost of senior portraits.  Then, was the cost of college.  Then, it was the cost of a wedding.  And now, they’re still ‘hanging on,’wanting more!”  Just then, the woman behind interrupted.  “You know, I was just like you two.  Why the expense of my son was a pain.   But that’s all changed.  You see, he died two weeks ago.  And he doesn’t cost me anything, anymore.”

In some way, shape or form, encountering family this Thanksgiving is going to cost you something.  I mean:  some relatives are a pain -- and it's a sacrifice -- to just be around their shenanigans, even insanity!  

But an even greater sacrifice is having no earthly family, at all.  

Sure, Jesus and His family are supreme.  But Thanksgiving reminds us that the gift of a biological family -- no matter how marred and limited -- is a special, valued gift as well.  

Once a man walked up to G.K. Chesterton and bragged that he said grace before every meal. Every meal!  Surprisingly, Chesterton was not impressed.  My friend, Chesterton remarked, you should say grace before everything.  You should say grace before reading.  You should say grace before walking.  You should say grace before swimming.  You should say grace before working.  You should say grace before studying.  You should say grace before breathing.  You should say grace before everything.

Not bad advice as we enter the holiday season:  say grace before everything.  Including your family --Uncle Joe -- and all. 

1 comment:

  1. Blessed to be part of the conversation, great advice. You'll always be my Pastor Paul!

    ReplyDelete