How To Survive The Ten Worst Days Of Your Life

Injury is injury.  But burns, are among the worst.

The details aren't necessary, but earlier this month, our 22-month-young grandson, accidentally pulled over a container of coffee onto himself, resulting in significant burns.

First, the good news:  our grandson is recovering progressively, thanks to his incredible parents, and the skill and intellect of the medical staff at The Johns Hopkins Hospital Children's Center.

But the process of 'getting to recovery' has been horrific. I mean for 10 days I felt like I was a prisoner in 'hell' -- as in, a place of torment, separation, helplessness, abandonment, suffering, and spiraling doom.

But surprisingly, a place of discovery.  It's a well-worn clique, and frankly, one I've never liked, but it's true:  you uncover things in deep holes of suffering that you find out nowhere else.  In a moment, I'll share life-lessons I discovered.  But for starters, let me share survival skills, for the valleys of life.

Survival Skill #1 - Don't 'Sweeten' The Reality Before You.

For the most part, Christians are too nice, sweetening, sugar-coating the stabbing reality of life. Sure, prolonged cynicism, anger, sarcasm, brutishness are not healthy or therapeutic.  But neither is unreal, plastic-smile, overly religious expression.

So, face it: tragedy and crisis are brutal and crippling, stopping life still.  Translated: everyone and everything whizzes by as normal during a life-crisis, but you and your family are far from normal, suspended in a bubble of tortuous uncertainty.  

But some Christ-followers, deny such reality. I remember the reaction of a church leader to the sudden death of his daughter.  One minute his daughter was immersed in a beautiful family event; the next minute, as she walked outside to the parking lot, a car spun out of control in her direction, killing her, instantly.  As I went with the man to the hospital morgue, I expected a 'normal,' human reaction: shock, grief, and tears.  Not so.  What I encountered was a stoic response, reflecting no shock, grief, and tears, only a repetition of the conviction, that his daughter's sudden-death was the Will of God. 

God's instrumentality, or lack of instrumentality, is not my focus, at this juncture; that's a topic for another blog.  What's I'm identifying is the failure on the part of the man to articulate reality.

We need to articulate reality.  For renewed faith rises from raw confession of the tough stuff, including the suffering of life.  The Biblical character Job shows the way:

"...What’s the point of life when it doesn’t make sense, when God blocks all the roads to meaning? “Instead of bread I get groans for my supper, then leave the table and vomit my anguish. The worst of my fears has come true, what I’ve dreaded most has happened. My repose is shattered, my peace destroyed.  No rest for me, ever—death has invaded life.”  (Job 3:23-26, The Message)

We forget hellish words, not just happy words, are in Scripture. And God teaches: such horrific admission is a necessary part of the journey of faith.

Survival Skill #2 - Allow Yourself To Ask The Tough Questions Of Faith. 

Sure there are people like the individual I just named, who move from intense tragedy to renewed faith, instantaneously.

But most, struggle with God, in tragedy.   To put it bluntly, using the familiar mantra:  how can a good God, allow senseless suffering?  For Robin and I, as grandparents, those words blurted out, given that our grandson, was suffering.  I mean, even as I write these words, I can still hear our grandson's piercing, terrified voice, as he encountered deep pain; it's hard to reconcile that voice with the voice of God. 

But our son, Peter, had the right response.  In a factual voice, in a telephone call, Peter simply recited the familiar words of Jesus from John 16:   

"...In this world you will have trouble..."  (John 16:33).  

But here's the rub, I understand that verse, but I secretly live by another translation, the PM (the Paul Mundey) translation:

"...In this world, everyone but Paul Mundey will have trouble...  (John 16:33, PM version).

Translated:  everyone else suffers, but I don't 'do' suffering.  After all, I'm a pastor, church leader, 'helper of hundreds,' thus, exempt from pain, because I help others through pain; you know my 'reward' for being so virtuous.  

How arrogant and narcissistic!  

But, sadly,  I'm not alone.  Many in contemporary society deny the reality of suffering.  But as David Brooks points out in his new book, The Second Mountain, suffering is a needed element in our maturation in life.   

"...There's nothing intrinsically noble about suffering...But sometimes, when suffering can be connected to a larger narrative of change and redemption, we suffer our way to wisdom...After seasons of suffering, we see that the desires of the ego are very small ...Climbing out of the valley is not like recovering from a disease.  Many people don't come out healed; they come out different.  The poet Ted Hughes observed that the things that are worst to undergo are often the best to remember, because at those low moments the protective shells are taken off, humility is achieved..."  (David Brooks, The Second Mountain, pp. 36-37)

Part of humility-achieved is a jolting awareness I can't make it through suffering without others, starting with 'The Other' - God.  Thus, prayer takes on increased urgency, as prayer connects us not only with God but all those praying, creating a power-full synergy.  

And, then, over time (it always takes time!), a paradoxical reality breaks-in:  disappointment with God migrates -- to -- dependency on God, and others.   

Survival Skill #3 -- Don't Expect 'Total Relief,' But 'Just Enough' Relief -- 'Manna' For the Moment.

Support in suffering does materialize.  But, again, it's over time (it always takes time!).

Frankly, in my sojourn in suffering with my grandson,  I wanted everything to be better right away, now!  But it took 10 days, to get to 'first base,' e.g. any assurance, that things would indeed be better. 

But looking back, if I'm honest, we did receive just enough hope, manna, for each day. Remember manna?  Why it was the provision, the support, the nourishment God gave the Israelites in the wilderness of their confusion and suffering.  But it didn't arrive in one dramatic delivery.  Rather, God delivered just enough for each day.

"...Then the Lord said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day…I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God...’” (Exodus 16:4,12, emphasis added).

Did you catch both God's attentiveness -- and -- God's timing?  God hears our grumbling, our disappointment with Him, for sure.  And God is responsive.  But here's the pinch-point: it's according to God's preferred provision, and God's preferred timing.

Looking back, after my '10 days in hell,' I now realize this reality.  But, boy, in the midst of 'worst of the worst' it felt like God would never come through; I mean, I honestly I thought a break-through would never occur.

But it always does; God always moves life forward, beyond pain, to some redemptive destination.  But as David Brooks pointed out earlier:  "...Climbing out of the valley is not like recovering from a disease.  Many people don't come out healed; they come out different..."  And that difference advances life in life-changing, enhancing ways.   

For me, the Psalmist 'nails it.'  

"...Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?  If I ascend to heaven, you are there!  If I make my bed in Sheol [Hell], you are there! If I take the wings of the morning  and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. (Psalm 139: 7-12, emphasis added)

And so where is it night for you?  Where does tragedy, pain, and 'hell' seem forever?  Often such realities last for a long time; and even after they cease, they sometimes return.  But in God's good time, the psalmist is right:  even the darkness is as light to our God.

Survival Tip # 4 - Keep Looking For The Lessons and 'Gain.' 

Though I do not believe it was God's Will for my grandson to suffer, I do believe God allowed such suffering to occur for a Divine purpose, largely beyond my/our understanding.

But I am getting some clues.  

Among other purposes/lessons/gains, I now have a deeper connection with persons, as a result of my grandsons suffering.  It's as if his/our suffering cut through the chaff of life, reminding me/us of what is really core and important.  

I can't quite articulate it, but I have a bond with folks now, that is different, as I see -- now -- not just persons around me, but living souls around me, who've also experienced the common denominator, the equalizer of pain.  

I also have a deeper bond with God, who in Christ, is intimately identified with suffering, as suffering servant.  

"...Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows...he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all..."  Isaiah 53:4-6

And so we have in God in Christ, one who empathizes with our suffering, for He has suffered.   And so rather than running away from God when 'the worst' occurs -- ultimately -- paradoxically -- we run toward God -- for of all the entities in the universe -- God understands pain.

In 1927, one of Scotland's greatest preachers, Arthur John Gossip, unexpectedly, tragically, lost his beloved wife. Persons wondered, what Gossip would 'do' with such unspeakable tragedy, questioning if he would ever mount the pulpit again.  But return to the pulpit, Gossip did, reflecting honestly, but, faithfully:   

“I do not understand this life of ours. But still less can I comprehend how people in trouble and loss and bereavement can fling away peevishly from the Christian faith. In God’s name, fling to what? Have we not lost enough without losing that too?” (emphasis added)

Sobering words, reminding that there's much of life that doesn't make sense, including the '10 worst days' of our life. 

But God is present even in hell, identifying with our suffering as One who has suffered as well.

The process of fully appropriating such truth is a journey.  And often it doesn't happen quickly.  

But, in God's good time -- life does move forward, advancing us -- even through the valleys of shadow, and suffering.