Transformation: Triangles Aren't Just A Math Problem!

A last sharing (at least for now) from my Bowen Family Systems training, at Rutgers.

Triangles!

Now, I'm not talking about the math-kind, but, the relationship-kind, when an issue, a problem, a challenge that should involve just two people, ends up involving three people. But not in a professional capacity (e.g. involving a Christian counselor) -- but in a covert capacity - as we run to a third party -- privately -- and ventilate -- or -- worst (e.g. adultery).

The result: messy relationships, skewing and complicating life, big time!

Need an example: just think of gossip. Though gossip is often described as 'telling tales out of school,' it's more accurately noted as 'telling tales out of a relationship.'

Rather than going to the person who's 'needling' us, we go and 'needle' somebody else, ventilating our anxiety, e.g. our concern, our disappointment and, often, our anger and rage.

Edwin Friedman gives a technical definition of such reality, in his classic: Generation To Generation:

"The basic law of emotional triangles is that when any two parts of a system become uncomfortable with one another, they will “triangle in” or focus upon a third person, or issue, as a way of stabilizing their own relationship with one another. A person may be said to be “triangled” if he or she gets caught in the middle as the focus of such an unresolved issue..." (Edwin Friedman. Generation to Generation, pp. 35-36)

But you really can't solve something by creating an emotional triangle (e.g. going to a third party and ventilating) -- or -- allowing yourself to be triangled.

You really only solve something by going directly to the 'someone' who's annoyed/injured you (or encourage the one trying to triangle, to do so) -- and care-front.

Actually, such a strategy is not original with Bowen Family System Theory. It's as 'old' as the Bible. Jesus classic words in Matthew 18:13ff summarize God's preference for going direct -- and -- the best way -- to involve third-parties.

“If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love. (Matthew 18:15-17, The Message, emphasis added).

Note the action-plan Jesus advocates:

Plan A -- Go to the person hurting...offending. Care-front.
Plan B -- Involve another person or two. Care-front.
Plan C -- Involve even more persons, e.g. the church. Care-front.
Plan D -- Repeat Plan A / B / C. Care-front, again.

It's convicting: I always thought the traditional rendering of Matthew 18:17 was the correct rendering:

"...If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector..."

In other words, jettison folk and stop the care-fronting process. But The Message translation is accurate:

"...start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love..." (Matthew 18:17, The Message, emphasis added).

For, in fact, Jesus changed the way we are to treat even the most difficult folk, e.g. the pagan or tax collector. As Dan Ulrich and Jan Fairchild point out:

"...In a first-century synagogue, treating someone as a Gentile [i.e. pagan] and a tax collector probably meant 'have nothing to do with the offender.' In the context of Matthew's story, however, it takes on a different meaning. Jesus heals Gentiles and praises their faith (8:5-13; 15:21-28), and later he commands the disciples to make disciple of all nations (28:19). Jesus also calls a tax collector as a disciple (9:9), and he deliberately ignores the synagogue's ban on eating with tax collectors and sinners (9:10-13). [And so] in light of Jesus' example, treating someone as a Gentile and a tax collector probably means, 'Treat the offender as someone who still needs to hear and accept the gospel'..." (Dan Elrich and Jan Fairchild, The Matthew 18 Project, pp. 98-99, empahsis added).

And so we are relentless in our care-fronting, even with those who are the worst offenders.

In essence, the care-fronting path Jesus advocates is the path of peace-building. I find peace-building to be a robust concept, calling us to live in a state of civility and goodwill with all persons. For me, peace-building has at least three non-negotiables:

Forgiveness -- we ask for pardon, and give pardon.
Release -- we let go of resentment, giving the person, and the past, to God.
Blessing -- we wish the person well, desiring God's best for their life.

Note: such care-fronting steps don't necessarily assume relational restoration or reconciliation; that's ideal, but not always attainable. [for a fuller explanation, see my blog post, 'The Best Counsel I Have Ever Been Given': http://wwwpaulmundey.blogspot.com/2017/12/the-best-counsel-ive-ever-been-given.html

What is attainable is a sense of settledness and peace, as -- indeed -- we do forgive, release and bless folks -- no matter what -- regaining a sense of human decency.

I believe such realism is essential in moving beyond the trauma of life. For unless we understand that care-fronting is not 'making everyone happy' -- but calling everyone to accountability and peace -- we'll continue to be 'all worked up' -- either too hard on self -- or others.

God doesn't want us to be too hard on self or others. God wants us to be 'hard' on Him -- leaning relentlessly on His grace -- entering into Christ's freedom -- and...then...moving on.

For, in Christ, we can achieve...

“...no more resentment, no more anger or temper, no more violent self-assertiveness, no more slander and no more malicious remarks, [We can] be kind to each other... understanding...ready to forgive others as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven [us]….” (Ephesians 4:31-32, J.B. Phillips)

And so, like God, forgive, bless and release others -- not resenting, or triangling others.

For triangles are not just a math problem, they're a spiritual problem, polluting relational worlds with deadly stuff.

Years ago, Frederick Buechner described the pain-full reality of a triangled -- gossipy -- bitter -- life.

"...To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back–in many ways it is a feast fit for a king.