What I've Learned in 37+ Years Of Marriage

Valentine's Day is coming 'right up,' next Wednesday.  An added bonus, for me: Robin's birthday is on Sunday.

And so, love is on my mind.

But what exactly is love? And why do some love relationships, flourish, while others flounder -- especially marriages? 

The longer I move in my own marriage, the more I realize how much I don't know.  But as I anticipate Valentines Day and Robin's-Day, it occurred to me, I not only cherish my spouse more than ever, I've learned a few things along the path of our relationship.  

For starters...

1) I’ve Learned: I’m ‘Standing On Holy Ground.’   Marriage isn’t a human institution, it’s a divine institution, conceived and crafted by God. I’ve always been awe-struck by Paul’s words in Ephesians 5:25ff – 

“A husband should love his wife as much as Christ loved the church -- and gave his life for it.  He made the church holy by the power of his word, and he made it pure by washing it with water…In the same way, a husband should love his wife…”  (Ephesians 5:25-28, Contemporary English Version). 

Those words convict me. For marriage ultimately isn’t a convenience thing, or a physical thing, or even an emotional thing.   

Ultimately, marriage is a holy thing.

At our wedding, Robin and I acted out this verse.  We did so, by including a feet-washing service in our ceremony.  And so, in the midst of exchanging vows, I knelt down, and Robin knelt down, and we washed one another’s feet, emulating Jesus in the Upper Room.  

Now in deference to our parents, we didn’t splash a lot of water around; I’m not even sure whether we even used 'real' water.  But we did serve each other.  And in doing so, we got funny looks; after all, feet-washing is an odd thing to do at a wedding.  But we also got tender looks, as persons were touched, by an unusual, but holy moment.

Do you have unusual, holy moments in your marriage?  If not:  maybe you should try 'feet washing' – or a back massage – or 'doing the dishes' on an unexpected day -- or...

Bottom line:  in some way, we must not just live with each other, we must cherish each other, just as Christ cherished the church.

But there more...

2) I’ve Learned: My Wife Is Not My Mother!    Men, in particular, have a tough time with this one.  I mean, I want my spouse to 'pick up' after me -- be 'co-dependent' with me  -- 'mother me.'

But your spouse is not your mother (or father), or an extension of your family of origin.  Our spouse is our equal, our partner, our peer.  I've always loved the way Matthew Henry advanced this notion:

“The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”

Now in fairness to the men, women also struggle with family of origin issues.  In fact:  both husbands and wives tend to bring 'early life' into married life.  

What do I mean by 'early life'?  I mean, the way you were raised.  Why, if your parents were tight with money – you’ll tend to be tight with money.  If your parents didn’t share chores around the house you’ll tend to not share chores around the house.  And if your parents didn’t fight well when life got tough – you’ll tend to not fight well, when life gets tough.

Early on my folks didn’t fight well at all.  In fact, they often gave each other the silent treatment, e.g. when the 'going gets tough' we'd 'freeze each other out.' And so early in my marriage, I’d freeze Robin out.  In fact, there are still times when I'm Eskimo Man.'   But it’s not good to be 'Eskimo Man.'  It's unhealthy, it's wrong -- it's sin.  

One of the classic verses on marriage is this verse:  

“…At the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, the two will become one flesh…”  (Matthew 19:4-6).  

Now traditionally, we interpret this verse as physical separation; a man or woman physically leaves father and mother.  And that’s correct and needed.  But I believe this verse can also be interpreted as emotional separation as well.  Specifically: separation from unhealthy habits – unhealthy patterns – unhealthy traditions – coming from father and mother.

And so I know an Irish temper runs in your family, but when you marry, you must leave your Irish temper.  I know male chauvinism runs in your family; but when you marry, you must leave your male chauvinism.  Get the point:  some family traditions should not be passed on.  Some family traditions need to stop.  

What family traditions need to stop in your family?  What familiar habits, need to cease?  Following Jesus means leaving some aspects of our upbringing.

But there's more...

3) I’ve Learned: Feelings Are Fickle. Feelings in a marriage, are like a roller coaster: climbing one minute the heights of romantic love, but diving the next minute, into the depths of 'divorcing' despair.  

But that’s life. That’s what feelings do.

But few of us acknowledge that.  In other words:  if we’re not feeling 'lovey-dovey', we tend to distance ourselves from our spouse.   

But love is not dependent on feelings, emotions, sentiments.  Love is dependent on what we do, even when the feelings are not there.   

Isn’t that Paul’s thrust in 1 Corinthians 13?  I mean he doesn’t say love is a feeling; Paul says love is 'a 'doing.'    

“Love is patient, love is kind…it keeps no record of wrongs…it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.  Love never fails…”  (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). 

I've always loved the way J.B. Phillips translates that last phase:  

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything.  It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands, when all else has fallen.”  (I Corinthians 13:7-8, J.B. Phillips).

I remember a time when our marriage was especially strained.  In fact, as Robin and I drove home from an especially intense counseling session, we confessed:  things weren’t feeling good at all.   But I'll never forget what we said next.  After lamenting further the trouble in our relationship, we each affirmed:  "...but I'm committed..."

Where do you need to confess trouble in your relationship; things are not good? But also, where do you need to affirm:  "...but I'm committed..."

Christian marriage is not based on feelings; Christian marriage is based on commitment, coming from a love that knows no limit to endurance, no end of trust, no fading of hope.

A last discovery...

4) I’ve Learned: It Gets ‘Better and Deeper’ Over Time.  Frankly, it’s hard to articulate the outcome of commitment.  But this I know: it pays dividends, beyond our wildest dreams.

Solomon alludes to this in his Song of Solomon.  Verse after verse he describes the character of committed love, finally concluding:  

“[The love of which I speak]…is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.  It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.  Many waters cannot quench love -- rivers cannot wash it away…” (Song of Solomon 8:6-7). 

You don't know ‘that kind of love’ from a ‘one night stand.’  You don’t know ‘that kind of love’ from a ‘hit and run’ relationship. You don’t know ‘that kind of love” by bolting at the first sign of trouble.  You only know ‘that kind of love’ as you ‘keep on keeping on’: no matter the obstacle, no matter the difficulty, no matter the pain. 

Now let me quickly add:  there are biblical, godly reasons to separate from a relationship, especially if there is unrelenting, mean-spirited, vicious physical or emotional abuse. Sadly, some spouses inflict such horror, not willing or wanting to reason with anyone, including their partner, or a Christian counselor.  The cause?  Regrettably, there are, in the words psychologist Henry Cloud, not only good spouses but foolish, even evil spouses, and frankly, people in general.  http://wwwpaulmundey.blogspot.com/search?q=best+counsel;  https://vimeo.com/43777476  

But nevertheless, great discernment is needed before separating from, or, leaving a marriage, for we tend to 'give up' and 'run,' too quickly and too easily.  For though there are undeniable exceptions, the majority of relationships remedy and mature, over time, if we stay committed to each other, to the Lord, and the intentionality of a healing process.  

For God honors those who honor Him and the vows made in His name.

Itzhak Perlman is probably the greatest violinist in the world. But one night the unthinkable happened:  a string broke on his violin.  I mean it snapped like a gunshot, heard all over the concert hall.  Well with that, persons assumed Perlman would just quit; you can’t play the violin with only three strings.  But Pearlman didn’t quit.  Pausing for a moment he started again, playing the piece, even better than before!  Commenting on Perlman's comeback, a critic noted:  it was if Perlman recomposed the piece, producing from his misfortune, new sounds never heard. Reflecting later, Perlman mused: “Sometimes, it's the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left…”

That's our task, as well.  For no matter how broken, how snapped, how marred our life, our relationships, our marriage might be, we are challenged to recompose, re-tune, producing new music, once again.

Sure, as stressed previously, there are exceptions; foolish, evil abuse does occur, calling us to prioritize our safety and the safety of others.  But before bolting, God asks that we exercise every option for reconciliation and healing.

For God's love is a rigorous, robust love; and ours must be the same.  A long-lasting love. A love, in the words of Paul: that 

“…knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything.  It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands, when all else has fallen.”  (I Corinthians 13:7-8).  

This year Valentine's Day lands on Ash Wednesday, and Easter, on April Fools Day.  It's as if God is reminding us that true love is a holy enterprise of great sacrifice and startling resurrection, against all odds.

And so aim for sacrifice and resurrection in your relational world, against all odds -- especially in your marriage.  For as God's love never lets go of us -- even in sin, even in valleys -- we must strive to never let go, of each other.

And so on Valentines Day, anticipate April Fools Day, and God's ability to resurrect love, to do the outlandish -- even -- the impossible!